Things i wish i forgot about new babies

Little Ella is 3 weeks now and here are a list of things i would of liked to have forgotten and placed in a locked box in my brain and thrown away the key.

DEPRIVATION FOR ALL BUT THE SMALL
Endless cycle of someone interrupting the day and night with a constant cycle of sleep, feeding, winding and pooping.  Last night was epic as i was tag teamed by both Ella and Sophie one would go off setting the other one off or one would go off then after an hour of soothing and finally getting to sleep the other one would wake and the cycle continued till 5am when both woke bright as buttons and decided that was the start to the day and i needed to get ready for the school run with a full on face melt look about me, fending off parents who wanted to coo over Ella.

As a mum you have so many good intentions to do the daily grind but there never seems to be the hours in the day, and if you stray to do anything other than devote all your attention the little ones screams of complaints will be heard up and down the street and the neighbors will be wondering what your doing.

So while the laundry and dishes pile up and toys stray around the house and the spiders move in spinning more and more webs that walking through a doorway mean dusting with your hair, meal times consists of what ever out of date food you might have left in the fridge much to the dismay of the rest of the family, it can only get better from here up, you hope...

BOOBS AND MILK

Power of the midwives applying pressure that breast is best can give you paranoia over breast milk amounts so much so that you feel like a cow with a milk pump on your boob as your sit pumping and measuring the amounts you produce to make sure that greedy little mouth gets what it needs.  This is especially worse for c section mummies due to some missing hormones that trigger boobs to start producing milk, so you also have the feeling of being totally inadequate to not being able to feed your baby the natural way.

Once your milk has come in and your happy for your little chappy to latch on without vetting quantities produced, attack of the boobie begins Ella seems to have some polite ritual to greeting the boobie before latching on, starting with a few mouth buts and general side to side mouth bashing of the nipple area. A bit of chat to the nipple as if she is greeting the boobie and a nice smile before the big wide mouth goes in for the kill like some crazed gummy vampire.

Whats even funnier is when she is finished a single finger comes up to the face like some evil villain from a James Bond film and a sly smile as if world domination of the milky kind has happened and she has won, that is unless mummy wins first with milkacide and she is completely knocked out for a good hour as her eye balls roll to the back of her head and she looks like a tramp who has had to much special brew not caring that she has pooped herself and lays where ever i put her MHAhahaha mummy wins this one.

HAIR AND VOMIT

I am sporting a new hair do i call the crusty clump but lank and limp look, Vidal Sassoon never thought of this.  After washing your hair if you can be bothered and are not chewing your own fists make sure you feed and wind your baby over your shoulder and hey presto free hair styling product that not only crisps up and give your hair crunch but an aroma of regurgitated warm milk.  I was going to insert a picture of There's something about Mary as the picture stickyness was correct however the styling product was not appropriate

This style doesn't just go to the hair it is an all over look!!!  Forget army fatigues i'm sporting a great mummy uniform of stretch pants and t shirts with the tell tale signs of milky vomit down the back of the shoulder and milky nuzzle marks around the breast area as well as leaking milk marks like a target on the nipples.  My 3 year old chips in as sticky hand prints around my waist finish off the look.  Watch out for this look gracing down the runways this year i'm sure Kate Middleton will rock this style

POO AND FARTS

Checking nappies and whats in a nappy as well as the entertainment of the colour change or wondering where those missing poos are that i am expecting to have brewed, even though your little darling has been nomming down the milk like nobodies business, i swear she is hiding them! I have noticed that  new born poo smells a bit like a cross between a dodgy spiced Christmas cake and curdled cheese.

Another trick literally is to do a big poo, diligent mummy changes the nappy and Ella screw up her face changes a nice shade of crimson with a great matching bum sound effect followed by a happy TA DAH!! face as the new nappy is covered in poo again.  I only just put that on little lady !!!!

Why is it that i pick up the baby to smell its bum ? i know she has done a poo i felt it hit my lap through the nappy and i sure as hell heard the blast from that delicate little bottom and the smell hitting my nose but i still went in for the sniff am i that sleep deprived or maybe i just stink myself of baby vomit and poop i cant tell the difference anymore.

Collic can be a real bugger to deal with, and boy i went through it bad with Sophie but Ella seems much better with it  there is some endless entertainment watching her do the collic wriggle dance where she looks like a dancer from Micheal Jackson Thriller but in a  laying down position, the face colour turns purple just before the fetal curl up followed by a stretch, further followed by a number of trumps like a Gatling gun of mass destruction.  Ali and i are always comparing tips on patting, rubbing, stretching and bouncing to get those bubbles and farts out of Ella but once its out happy days.

BODY HABITS

Finally body habits and hands not mine but the babies, i swear she has come out as a black belt in the ways of martial arts. With a constant battle to dodge the hands to get things into the babies chops or change clothes, who will win? will the baby deflect mums advances will mum dodge the fists of baby thunder, who knows its all a game to keep mum on her toes through the day.

Rocking back and fourth, ok so this is totally understable with a babe in arms cuddling or rocking out the colic, but as i have done it so much its now locked into my body posture and i have caught myself a number of times in public without the baby rocking back and forward as i ponder over a choice in a supermarket, standing at traffic lights looking like some local loony escaped from the nut house, once i was even pushing a shopping trolley back and forth which got me some strange looks.

The amazing ability to be able to do things 1 handed as you hold a baby in one arm and do a chour with the other, that's a pic of me doing the laundry don't ask how i got the dirty clothes in but thank god the baby stayed outside the machine.   It really is like holding a stylised clutch bag next thing your see celebrities fashioning the look.   The extreams you go to keep the baby happy and try and do something and yes i have been to the toilet with the baby in my arms, was she shocked as she rested over my shoulder and watched on?  lets just say that's a bit of revenge for all those stinky nappies.

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