How to spot a Zombie

There is a number of terrifying trends out there Vampire's, Serial killers ? No im talking ZOMBIES !!!



Most of us secretly have end of the world plans to save us for an onslaught of Zombies, ours is to knock the stair case down and hide in the attic, that will probably keep us safe until one of us needs a wee.

Don't think Zombies exist i'm have to tell you they are walking among us right now a huge army cleverly hidden in plain view of all of us but we choose not to really see them.  These are the army of parents that have de-evolved into the walking dead.

How to spot a Zombie Parent

The pale and drawn looks the baggy black eyes, the spark in the eyes has long gone replaced by a glazed eye balls rolling into the back of the head from lack of sleep.  Unkempt hair as the i just rolled out of bed but without getting any sleep with a matching i cant be arsed to put on any make up as i feel like crap and no amount slap is going to fix up this face and now have to rush to do the school run this look gives a new spin to a Golum look

The smell is another give away as the rotten stench of curlded cheese, stale wee and liquid ass, as new borns display dominance by scent their territory all over their parent matched with the parents sweat and tears plus only being bothered to pick up the first clothes you find which are pretty much the last dirty clothes you dropped on the floor the night before, all this makes a zombie a bit wiffy.

Most of the female version of the walking dead will have vaginal or stomach stitching so the walking zombie mum either has limping legs and dragging hips and look like a dancer from the Michael Jackson Thriller video.  Most male versions are so brow beaten from the constant crying and sleepless night they appear hunched and slow in movement.












Did i mention the arms locked in the outreached position from the never ending walks around the block with a pram trying to get that little bugger to fall asleep.


Conversation:  Don't think having a chat with one of these beings will stimulate you as the eyes maybe open but the brain has stopped working due to being burnt out by the stench of smelly nappies.  Grunts and glazed looks and any audit able words that do pass the lips are most likely to be Sleeeeeeeep.


BRAINS... yes in the film version zombies are seen to be eating brains, and this is true to a certain extent with the zombie parent except they probably wont crack your head open to get to whats inside but they do want to know whats going on as zombies don't know what day it is or what should be happening on that day they probably wouldn't even know if it was their birthday, a zombie parent may have a good friend or a confident that can let them access their brains at any time to find out what the hell should be going on.

Its been Emotional:   Well this is a roller coaster, to look at one the face will be gormless and glazed one minute but the next tearful, angry, confused or most of the time all 3 combined burning out back to gormless again, 9 times out of 10 this will happen in public most likely a supermarket or at the school gates.

This is the living nightmare that is parenthood you have been warned.....